A Festivus Miracle!

Although it's undeniably great to be back home, I was somewhat apprehensive about my first week of vacation. The spectre of Jury Duty was haunting my life. I was originally called back in October but got it postponed until the week before Christmas. Apparently "full time student" doesn't qualify as a decent excuse anymore. What's next, the army will start drafting paraplegics? That's not to say that the disabled can't serve in the military. No, I'm not going to discriminate against someone just because they're missing their legs and part of their right deltoid after a freak cornballer-related accident. Even though we may be able bodied, the folk in wheelchairs may be more able minded...as is the case with Professor Charles Xavier, who with one thought can make you strip off all your clothes, smother yourself in bacon fat and hide in your dirty clothes hamper. But I digress.
The good people at the Los Angeles County Superior Court (henceforth referred to as "beaurocratic motherfuckers") require that you call in the night before to check if you need to report the following day. Well, for five days in a row I did not have to report to the court house, so I am done with my civic duty.
That's right. I beat City Hall.
I guess that the DA just doesn't want to prosecute any offenders the week before Christmas. It's what Jesus would do. Whatever the cause may be, my only responsibility over the break is taken care of and I can get back to my normal pursuits of Fantasy NBA and my exercise ball.


Oh, and bad news about Japan's future decline in population. Upon reading this news, some may say "This doesn't affect me" and click out of the Netscape homepage. Listen: We have waited long enough for the Nintendo WII and the PS3. If there are fewer Japanese computer geeks, we may be stuck with our XBox 360's for a good long while. Also, the art of sushi preparation may be lost in as few as 3 generations. Let us pray that a Godzilla-related attack will not be on the horizon and that the Japanese people discover Cialis* as soon as possible. Maybe Daisuke Matsuzaka will become the Japanese equivalent of Raffy Palmiero and start promoting Viagra overseas. I'm sure that Scott Boras would appreciate the revenue.


* = And in the case of an erection that lasts more than 3 hours, do not consult your doctor. Just keep plowing away and produce some more little Ichiros.

Last minute gift ideas for that special lady...

Not only does Justin Timberlake continue to shame all Chris Kirkpatrick fans by proving that he was the brains behind *NSYNC, but he successfully makes SNL funny. I'm thinking that Time has a new candidate for Man of the Year.
Oh, and if there are any attractive and single women in the LA area who think this is a good Christmas/Channukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus present, please leave me a message with your name and favorite color of ribbon and we'll talk.

*Wizard of Oz quote that accompanies 3 heel clicks*

Know what the best part of being home is? No, it's not the food. Actually, for my first night back we just ordered Chinese and watched Young Frankenstein. God have I missed City Wok's sesame beef and string beans. A little taste of heaven is what that is...that's assuming that the angel chefs still cook with MSG. But that may be just #5 in my list of best things about maX-mas break. (Sidebar: that's right, MaX-mas. Some red staters may call that sacreligious, but they're just jealous that I have the letter X in my first name. If their names were more compliant with this awesome holiday moniker, they'd redact their complaints.)
(Sidebar sub 2: Some may be wondering why, in fact, I am not writing this blog entry in the form of a countdown. Well, in recent weeks, Men's Health magazine has warned me against being "too John Cusack." In this holiday season, a lot of religious asian types have told me to ask WWJCD. I took this to mean: make as many mix tapes as possible and stand outside girls' windows with boom box and Peter Gabriel in hand. But Men's Health has also taught me how to boost my bench in 3 weeks, how to master the tricky art of bathtub sex, and that the "fake bumping into her" move doesn't work at parties. So far, they're 3 for 3 and only a triple away from the cycle (*nudge nudge*), so I'll take their advice again. Apparently the "down in the dumps, good vocabulary, rapid fire wit"-thing doesn't work as well as "Must Love Dogs" woud have us believe, so in order to distance myself from Lloyd Dobler, I'll be staying away from the whole "top five albums to play after your favorite uncle dies" tract).
The best part about being home isn't the spare time, either. Face it: college students have more free time on their hands than an Amish electrician or Mel Kiper Jr. The only difference now is that I'm being lazy at home and in a room with a lower Rolling Rock to square footage ratio.
Nope, the thing that I'm relishing right now is that every time I'm on iTunes and hit command+Q, I'm not accosted by that annoying pop up window that says "One or more users are currently connected to your library. Are you sure you want to quit?" Whenever that box would appear on my screen, I'd feel guilty about quitting, since I'd be depriving one or more poor souls of my great taste in music (where else on the CMC network will you find Brooks and Dunn, Whitesnake and David Gray? That's one stop shopping for your ears, people). Now I can sleep with a clean conscience knowing that I won't be shutting down when someone is 90% done with a download (which, come to think of it, is the myTunes equivalent of pulling out as soon as she screams "Yes! Right there!"). And by being able to shut off my laptop, I'm conserving energy and delaying the arrival of Global Warming. And there's nothing funny about Global Warming. Man Law?

And we only have one more week of shopping for Christfest '06. In case anyone needs any good last minute gift ideas for me, you can't go wrong with sweat pants, creatine or anything autographed by Tony Danza.

A little pretentious emo bullshit

Believe it or not, I'm actually working on some new entries that will be halfway decent. I even annoy myself when I say "Oh! that'll be on my blog tomorrow!" and I lazily ignore said topic and play Halo for extended periods of time.
So in the meanwhile, allow me to be just like every other teenager (for only 3 months more, mind you) and just type out some song lyrics that are somewhat pertinent to my situation.

If you're down and confused
And you don't remember who you're talking to
Concentration can slip away
Because your baby's so far away
And there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love
Love the one you're with


Yup. I'm trying to get all of my angst out of my system before Christmas. Only 14 more shopping days left!

Down the dixie highway back home...

A lot of idiot freedom haters (read: the people in charge of Congress) have been complaining about the national anthem. No one really knows the lyrics and it's an angry ode to war. Well, always the one for compromise, I've found a solution. It's a little diddy that I like to call, This is Our Country. The song can inspire, embiggen, and sell Chevys. The commerical shows images of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, so I suppose this retroactively makes John Cougar Mellencamp an integral part of the civil rights movement. Allow me to utilize my knowledge of the transitive propety for a moment. Baseball is America's pasttime. The only thing that interrupted the World Series were the incessant Chevrolet ads with John Mellencamp. So "This is Our Country" is more important than Baseball. It's also the most American song on the radio right now (apart from anything sung by Toby Keith) and in these dreadful, Rumsfeld-less times, we need as much patriotism as possible before W realizes his mistake and brings Donald back. And if JT ever writes a political anthem about bringing "Donald Back," then that can be Anthem Numero Dos.

So when Nancy Pelosi/Mephistopheles or whatever she's calling herself nowadays announces the new national anthem, you won't be surprised. In fact, you'll know where the initiative began.

Nevermind the bollocks,
MGD



Well I can stand beside ideals I think are right
and I can stand beside
the idea to stand and fight
I do believe there's a dream for everyone
This is our country

There's room enough here
for science to live
and there's room enough here
for religion to forgive
and try to understand
all the people of this land
this is our country

From the east coast to the west coast
down the dixie highway back home
this is our country

And poverty could be just another ugly thing
and bigotry would be seen only as obscene
and the ones who run this land
help the poor and common man
this is our country

From the east coast to the west coast
down the dixie highway back home
this is our country

The dream is still alive
someday it will come true
and this country
it belongs to folks like me and you
so let the voice of freedom
sing out through this land
this is our country

From the east coast to the west coast
down the dixie highway back home
this is our country
From the east coast to the west coast
down the dixie highway back home
this is our country